Understanding Traumatised Children's Behaviour by Donne Berry - Interplay

 5 hours well worth spending to understand traumatised children

What stood out: 

It's vital not to force traumatised children to do anything, as they will do it if they feel safe. 

Often we recreate the past experience without realising it. Nobody knows more than the person going through the experience.

Behaviour is a means of communication for unmet needs.

The 1st 3 years of our lives shape and form who we become. We remember everything that happens to us even before birth, as babies and mum are interconnected. We often say e.g. he is too little to remember - that's a lie.

Due to stress (e.g. fear for safety in a violent relationship) during the brainstem and nervous system development, neurological issues develop due to not feeling safe.

The brain wires according to the environment. If a mum was constantly scared and feels like she needs to protect her baby, it will influence the brain development of the baby. 

If mum experiences a state of emergency and catastrophe, where death is a real possibility, it creates fear in the baby of it's going to die. 

This is where Intergenerational Trauma stems from. Anything that happened to mum or dad in the 1st 3 years of their lives is passed on to their children on the cell level. 

If the mum ( the only caring person) was not available after birth, children will show adapted defences such as loud crying, or other behavioural issues to show he/she don't trust. 

Since this baby's brain is neurologically differently structured than "normal" babies, the behaviour will escalate e.g. they might not be a good feeder, throw tantrums, be not very loveable, or have adaptive defences to survive his/her world e.g. biting. Therefore this child will not be ready for school at 5, he/she needs safety, not learning. 

Kids don't talk about the 1st 3years of their lives. WHAT THEY CAN'T TELL YOU, THEY MAKE YOU FEEL.

Don't ask, "Tell me how you feel".  Mirror Neuron System comes into play. We could say: "You don't have to hurt me to show me how you feel, I'm here for you." Or, "It feels awful to go through what you are going through - it must be scary." 

For someone to feel safe, they need full acceptance. Even the worst behaviour. He/she needs to stay connected. 

To regulate chaos, feel the feeling he/she created, match the intensity, and co-regulate him/her back down. 

Time-out is actually abusive. Children need us to help regulate them. 

The worst thing could be when you are scared, is to have somebody that is not authentic.  It will make him/her feel they are not accepted. 

We have 2 needs when we are born. 1. Attachment that is vital 2. Authenticity

So many relationships are covered by conditions. Unconditional love is rare. Sometimes children feel safe in their attachment if they are a "good" child because other relationships in the household are already hard. 

Symptoms of trauma to the brainstem:

Hyperactivity

Periods of dysregulated (hyper/hypo) arousal

Sensory processing problems

Impaired sleep

Impulsive

Anxiety

Clumsiness

Specific taste (Food fussiness)

Abnormal breathing and elevated heart rate

Fear and panic attacks

Unexplained medical systems

Lack of eye contact

IF SOMEBODY TURNS UP AND SHOWS YOU HOW THEY FEEL IT IS BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU HAVE THE CAPACITY TO HELP THEM. 

ADDICTION stems from attachment pain. Due to unhealthy/lack of a secure relationship vital hormones lack in the brain and are looked for in other ways. Then they need more of the addiction to create satisfaction. When tackling addiction, addiction increases. Instead of tackling addiction, create a secure relationship. 

Children need to hear: "I see you, I hear you, I understand you". Crucial is: total acceptance, being present, not telling them what to do, and actually turning up & feeling what they feel. 

PS: If you don't accept them wholeheartedly, they won't heal. ACCEPT THE NEED BEHIND THE BEHAVIOUR.